S o Depression for me is such a conundrum. I marvel at the beauty in life, I see all sorts of interest in crazy small things as much a stunning views. A catch for a gate caught my attention this morning and it led me down a rabbit hole of awe. All those inventions and people involved in such an insignificant thing. it's crucial to a gate and a beautiful form, yet was rusty and paint chipped. So that led me to thinking about nature and all the wonders there. I can see beauty all around me, this world, universe etc is truly amazing. All that creativeness, all that chance, all that randomness. But, the contradiction! I don't see any of that in me, I see failure, lack of talent, lack of any positive input on the world. I don't see any wonder in my existence. Just guilt. Guilt for every decision, the need to feel validated by others because I'm unable to see the good in myself. I even feel guilt for living, for not being a better part of the world, for not enjoying...
Today I had to fill out a mental health assessment form. I've filled these out so many times and once they get to know me I guess it looks far less scary. I agonise over what to put, trying desperately to remember all my emotions in the last two weeks. Particularly hard when I can't even remember what I had for breakfast that day or even if I actually had any. Well today I must say I filled in a couple of sections slightly more positively that I have in the past. But to a new professional meeting me for the first time I suspect it was still a bit alarming. So lets talk about death shall we? Now as a child I never thought I would become an adult. I thought constantly that I would kill myself before getting out of my teens. As such, when I got to my twenties I had no idea what to do with myself, no aspirations as such as I thought I would have checked out already. I then started blaming my father for not giving me the inner strength to follow ...