Depression, the constant contradiction.

So Depression for me is such a conundrum. I marvel at the beauty in life, I see all sorts of interest in crazy small things as much a stunning views.

A catch for a gate caught my attention this morning and it led me down a rabbit hole of awe. All those inventions and people involved in such an insignificant thing. it's crucial to a gate and a beautiful form, yet was rusty and paint chipped. So that led me to thinking about nature and all the wonders there. I can see beauty all around me, this world, universe etc is truly amazing. All that creativeness, all that chance, all that randomness.

But, the contradiction!

I don't see any of that in me, I see failure, lack of talent, lack of any positive input on the world. I don't see any wonder in my existence. Just guilt. Guilt for every decision, the need to feel validated by others because I'm unable to see the good in myself. I even feel guilt for living, for not being a better part of the world, for not enjoying being me. So many die and they don't want to yet i am walking around messing things up on an almost daily basis. Suicide is never far from my mind. Not planning etc, don't panic! but the need to escape, free some space up in the world for someone to do better, the need to get out of the endless abuse I receive from others and myself. I want off this life roundabout!

I can't expect those who have never experienced depression to really understand, it's incredibly hard to see the logic in someone being so totally contradictory. Depression isn't something you just feel when things are tough, you can feel it at your happiest, when among friends, on your own. it's there all the time like a scary yet familiar companion.

How do I survive this constant barrage of emotions? I do medicate, and it helps keep those scary thoughts at bay, but nothing really ever gets rid of them. Therapy sometimes works and can help, some meds help, even some vitamins but it's not a case of one treatments fits all.

My body is always trying to find a way to conquer what help I try to give it. I have to change medications occasionally, try different therapies, practise different treatments.

Depression isn't easy, you can't just take a pill and it go away, a chat over coffee doesn't make depression disappear. But lots of things can help reduce the effect it has.

Be kind to those who have depression... actual depression isn't' just being sad, its a debilitating way of life. even when life is amazing depression is there.

Please don't feel you have to comment or anything, I'm not after sympathy and I dare say I will beat myself up over any responses I do or don't get because that's the way my brain works. But I really felt the need to try to get it out there because depression really is a life long condition and I truly wish it didn't exist.