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Show me the exit

Today I had to fill out a mental health assessment form.  I've filled these out so many times and once they get to know me I guess it looks far less scary.  I agonise over what to put, trying desperately to remember all my emotions in the last two weeks.  Particularly hard when I can't even remember what I had for breakfast that day or even if I actually had any.

Well today I must say I filled in a couple of sections slightly more positively that I have in the past.  But to a new professional meeting me for the first time I suspect it was still a bit alarming.

So lets talk about death shall we?  Now as a child I never thought I would become an adult. I thought constantly that I would kill myself before getting out of my teens.  As such, when I got to my twenties I had no idea what to do with myself, no aspirations as such as I thought I would have checked out already.  I then started blaming my father for not giving me the inner strength to follow through on my actions. (not sure why I blamed him to be honest but I was a teen with a lot of anxt)

As I grew older I went through stages of feeling that death was the only option.  I made a mistake in work = I didn't deserve to live, I wasn't grateful when something good happened = I don't deserve a life I'm not grateful for.  You get the idea.... it was relentless.

When I was at collage I even tried the unthinkable.  I really had intended to end it all, but I was impressively incompetent at it!  (evident by my still walking around now!)

A few years back I had a child.  I couldn't think those things anymore, I had a life to look after and what's more I had to do it on my own.  But instead of the ideas going, they turned to resentment, I resented my daughter cz I was stuck on this earth, not enjoying it like I felt I should and not appreciating it and therefore I didn't deserve to live.

I now have more children and part of me really feels I have no out.

BUT!  I had mentioned these feelings many times in the past to professionals and I grew to understand that part of what I'm thinking is quite natural, I don't ever plan anything (except that one time) and I never plan details.  But I still have moments where I want to escape.

I have learnt to realise that actually what I want is not to die.  But rather I want to nip out the exit, I see the flashing lights telling me I can nip out for a virtual fag and escape.  All I want is a total break from life.

Life is like a roundabout and I just want off.   But I know it's hard to get back on a moving roundabout so I hold on tight, dreaming of being able to just let go and jump on when I please.
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