Skip to main content

This diagnosis

I'm lying here and thinking about my recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm trying to work out how I feel about it.
After weeks of brain fog I've noticed I'm making connections with my emotions.
The main I think I'm feeling is that it isn't true. That I don't really have it. The doctor made a mistake. I guess this is denial and a step to accepting my condition.... But what if they were wrong??

I did ask in clear terms if that was certainly what she felt I had. But your mind plays tricks on you and I can't help feel I heard her wrong.

Why do I feel like it's all a mistake?
Well on one level maybe I feel I'm so often misdiagnosed with things that this is yet another example. Years ago I was diagnosed and treated for mid tension glaucoma, months of migraines from the meds and turns out I didn't have it. Carpal tunnel, even had the injections but turned out I didn't have that either. All my life I've wanted a reason to explain what's going on with me.  So I guess now I feel they will just turn round and say that actually they don't think it's that.

The other level to my denial is from my youth. When I was a child, early teens mainly I guess, I would pray for some sort of fatal disease, yes I know that's awful. Why? Because I didn't want to live anymore but I was too scared to take my own life, I wanted something else to take it. So now I have a horrible condition which I don't fully understand but can be totally brutal.... Is that a foolish teen wish fulfilled?

I hope you weren't expecting answers here. This really is a work in progress. Apparently I have to grieve and part of that is denial....I think I have that in abundance at the moment.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Depression, the constant contradiction.

S o Depression for me is such a conundrum. I marvel at the beauty in life, I see all sorts of interest in crazy small things as much a stunning views. A catch for a gate caught my attention this morning and it led me down a rabbit hole of awe. All those inventions and people involved in such an insignificant thing. it's crucial to a gate and a beautiful form, yet was rusty and paint chipped. So that led me to thinking about nature and all the wonders there. I can see beauty all around me, this world, universe etc is truly amazing. All that creativeness, all that chance, all that randomness. But, the contradiction! I don't see any of that in me, I see failure, lack of talent, lack of any positive input on the world. I don't see any wonder in my existence. Just guilt. Guilt for every decision, the need to feel validated by others because I'm unable to see the good in myself. I even feel guilt for living, for not being a better part of the world, for not enjoying...
Post a Comment
Read more

Show me the exit

Today I had to fill out a mental health assessment form.  I've filled these out so many times and once they get to know me I guess it looks far less scary.  I agonise over what to put, trying desperately to remember all my emotions in the last two weeks.  Particularly hard when I can't even remember what I had for breakfast that day or even if I actually had any. Well today I must say I filled in a couple of sections slightly more positively that I have in the past.  But to a new professional meeting me for the first time I suspect it was still a bit alarming. So lets talk about death shall we?  Now as a child I never thought I would become an adult. I thought constantly that I would kill myself before getting out of my teens.  As such, when I got to my twenties I had no idea what to do with myself, no aspirations as such as I thought I would have checked out already.  I then started blaming my father for not giving me the inner strength to follow ...
Post a Comment
Read more