Stop! I want to get off.

Today I had to fill out a mental health assessment form.  I've filled these out so many times and once they get to know me I guess it looks far less scary.  I agonise over what to put, trying desperately to remember all my emotions in the last two weeks.  Particularly hard when I can't even remember what I had for breakfast that day or even if I actually had any. Well today I must say I filled in a couple of sections slightly more positively that I have in the past.  But to a new professional meeting me for the first time I suspect it was still a bit alarming. So lets talk about death shall we?  Now as a child I never thought I would become an adult. I thought constantly that I would kill myself before getting out of my teens.  As such, when I got to my twenties I had no idea what to do with myself, no aspirations as such as I thought I would have checked out already.  I then started blaming my father for not giving me the inner strength to follow ...

I'm lying here and thinking about my recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm trying to work out how I feel about it. After weeks of brain fog I've noticed I'm making connections with my emotions. The main I think I'm feeling is that it isn't true. That I don't really have it. The doctor made a mistake. I guess this is denial and a step to accepting my condition.... But what if they were wrong?? I did ask in clear terms if that was certainly what she felt I had. But your mind plays tricks on you and I can't help feel I heard her wrong. Why do I feel like it's all a mistake? Well on one level maybe I feel I'm so often misdiagnosed with things that this is yet another example. Years ago I was diagnosed and treated for mid tension glaucoma, months of migraines from the meds and turns out I didn't have it. Carpal tunnel, even had the injections but turned out I didn't have that either. All my life I've wanted a reason to explain what...